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Divorce & Remarriage #5
Fred R. Coulter—July 4, 1999
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In our marriages, what we need to do is let God work in our marriages. This sermon is built upon the Sacred Marriage Ceremony. What I did is when I was in Texas to marry my daughter to Chad Alexander. They were both in Sabbath services and I knew that I would have their good attention during Sabbath services, whereas the next day when the wedding ceremony was going on, they wouldn't hear a word and not knowing what they're saying 'I do' to.
So, I went through the Sacred Marriage Ceremony word for word and covered the important things with it. That is a basis for study, because we need a whole new approach to the things that we need in our marriages.
We have too many influences from the world. Just absolutely incredible influences that are subtle and things that I am sure that all of us have in our minds. I include myself because I've made plenty enough mistakes and I've done things I shouldn't have done, and I've conducted myself the way I should not have conducted myself, but thankful that God is merciful, gracious, loving and kind, and will forgive us.
Out of it He wants us to grow. Out of it He wants us to be converted. You can never understand the good or the love until you have been down to the bottom and in the pit. Then you will understand it. Then you will feel it. Then you will be thankful and appreciate it. Likewise in our marriages.
What I'm going to do is give you a Bible perspective on marriage. Let's go back view what God did with the creation. We're all created by God; Adam and Eve by the very hand of God.
You understand that God did not make anything else of all the creation that He did, by personally fashioning it. He made everything else by command.
- He commanded, and they were!
- God said, and it was!
With man, God was personally involved! This shows the nearness that God wanted to have with His creation of man and woman and how important that is.
Genesis 2:7: "Then the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being."
We need to understand this, brethren. The world has no knowledge of this. Marriage to them is an arrangement or a partnership. I'll tell you later why marriage is never a partnership. If you try and run it as a partnership then you're doomed to failure.
Genesis 1:26: "And God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of heaven and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that crawls upon the earth'"—everything that God created!
God loved mankind so much that He made the world all that there is for us. Furthermore, He doesn't charge. He gave it as a gift. But since He's Creator He does require part of the increase so that you realize that you have nothing that didn't come from God. Everything that we have comes from God:
- everything physical
- everything spiritual
- our mothers and fathers
- our brothers and sisters
- our husbands and our wives
Verse 27: "And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him. He created them male and female. And God blessed them. And God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of heaven and over every living thing that moves upon the earth'" (vs 27-28).
I don't read any management books because I don't think we need to have corporate management style within the Church, but I remember reading one years ago, which said that the best way to get people to accomplish something is to give them a mission command. A mission command is just like we're reading here. It gives broad parameters and the person has the liberty to use their initiative rightly to fill in all the blanks.
That is great! Anytime you feel that God is squashing you, you're accusing God because God is not there to squash anybody. He gave the whole world to all human beings. What a tremendous thing that is. Unfortunately, the way they use it, because of sin, is not right.
"…And God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of heaven and over every living thing that moves upon the earth'" (v 28)—and it was so!
Then God made another special creation, and that is the woman. We're not going to pick on the men; we're not going to pick on the women. Some of the things that I may say, if you find yourself falling short don't take it personal, as if somehow I could read your mind, which I can't; or someone told me about something you may or may not have done, which they haven't.
God has said that in a created relationship the order of things is not hierarchical, although men have made a hierarchy out of it. What He did—because you cannot have two heads; just can't do it—He made the man and then He did a very special thing! All men need to understand this and realize this. God created the woman! There was nothing of all the animals that Adam named that was a help suitable for him (Gen. 2:20).
Genesis 2:20: "And Adam gave names to all the livestock, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field, but there was not found a helper compatible for Adam. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall over Adam, and he slept. And He took one of his ribs, and afterward closed up the flesh underneath. Then the LORD God made the rib (which He had taken out of the man) into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man.' For this reason… [and I'm sure God told Adam this (repeated in Mark 10) …shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife—and they shall become one flesh" (vs 20-24).
The reason that marriage is not a partnership is because the two are to become one, that's why. Men and women are different. God made it that way. I don't care if you take a man, grow long hair, put on women's clothes, give him hormones, put makeup on him, wear high heels, go drag the homosexual bars of San Francisco, he's still a male! Or likewise a woman, to shave off all of her hair, put on men's clothes, become rough and gruff, she's still a woman! Just the way it is, and we need to understand that.
Now then, because of sin, God told Adam that he would rule over his wife. Let's understand something about rule; there are many kinds of rule. Most feminists when they hear that, they just go blithering cross-eyed—'No man is going to rule over me!' Well, the way they depict it, every man is a gorilla and every woman is a toy to be smashed. So, we want to change this around and not have it, so today we have the women's lib movement and the 'femi-nazis' are in full control. They don't want women's rights, they want women's rights and men's rights. I don't see that in the Church, so I'm not saying that to any of you here in the Church. That's the way it is in the world, and I think some of the thinking has affected us.
A husband is to rule in love. Rulership means that you are responsible—no doubt about it! Let's talk about responsibilities in marriage. Then we'll talk about the responsibility of a man. The reason being is because wives seem to think it's hard to submit to their husbands. I don't think in feeling sorry for yourselves that that be the case; so please when I make a generality, if it doesn't fit you exactly don't be offended, please. There will be some things I'll have to say that if I said in a carnal audience out in the world, I would have to have body guards and an open door to run out of very quickly, because I would be assaulted.
I will try and be as straightforward as I can in some of these things. Let's talk about the men. Normally, in sermons like this, because of the sin of Eve, the women are picked on first. But because of the sin of Adam, I'm going to pick on the men first. This is very important for us to do; important for us to realize. In going through this, I want to ask you a few of questions before we get to this.
- What is it that we are to have with our relationship with God?
- What is that built upon?
- You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your being!
- What is another thing that is important?
Many people like to take the Word of God for their own convenience. For those husbands who are oppressive, you're using the Word of God for your convenience, and for you wives who are not submissive, you're using the Word of God to your advantage, or misusing it to your disadvantage, however you want to put it or say it. We often apply this to false ministers.
Matthew 7:21: "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter into the Kingdom of Heaven… [Of course, we're saying 'Lord, Lord,' aren't we? Yes, we are!] …but the one who is doing [practicing] the will of My Father Who is in heaven."
What is the will of God for husbands? For wives? When we find out what it is and we ask God for the strength and His Spirit to do it, then we will find out that it really works. If you believe the Word of God—which you have to—and if you pray every day 'Thy will be done,' in whose life are you asking it to be done? Your own!
Psa. 119 is a tremendous and wonderful Psalm and it tells you the attitude that we need to have in loving God's way and loving His commandments and loving God. You have to love the Truth! Not only do you have to love God, you have to love the Truth, because the Truth comes from God. If you love God you're going to love His Truth. If you're going to do the will of God and really want the will of God, it's going to have to happen in every life—your life, my life, everyone—because this is all part of conversion and entering into the Kingdom of God.
Psalm 119:124: "Deal with Your servant according to Your mercy, and teach me Your statutes."
Brethren, we always want God to deal with us in mercy. Never wish the wrath of God upon anybody, not even your enemy. Pray for them, because they might even be converted. That's why God called Saul who became Paul, to show that He 'will have mercy upon whom He will have mercy.' And He 'will call whom He will call.'
Verse 125: "I am Your servant; give me understanding that I may know Your testimonies…. [we need understanding in the marriage estate] …it is time for the LORD to work, for they have made void Your law. Therefore, I love Your commandments above gold—yea, above fine gold." (vs 125-127).
Let's take that and apply it to the marriage estate within our marriages. I don't know of any marriage that is perfect, including mine. That's just the way that it is. I think that if you husbands are waiting for your wife to be perfect before you'll be nice, or you wives are waiting for your husbands to be perfect before you will submit, you're both going to be fighting the rest of your life. That's a guaranteed recipe for trouble. What you have to do is this: You have to come to the point of.
Verse 128: "Therefore, I esteem all Your precepts concerning all things to be right…"
Do you agree with that? In everything that God has said? That then is the point of deep conversion! You can't go along like the Protestants say: 'Yeah, I love those 9, but that #4…' or whatever other commandment it can be.
You probably heard me ask, through the years: Which commandment do you esteem the least? There was a reason that I said that, because I wanted each one of you to think about it, to see which commandment you really discounted or esteemed the least, meaning that in those cases you don't want the will of God quite the way that God says. So, we have to come to this point.
Verse 128: "Therefore, I esteem all Your precepts concerning all things to be right, and I hate every false way."
We need to have the kind of rejection of the ways of the world as a false way and not bring it into the Church or into our lives. Living in the world the way that it is, that's very difficult to do.
- there are going to be disappointments
- there will be upsets
- there will be emotions involved
- there will be children involved
- there will be money involved
- there will be where you live involved
All of those things will affect you very personally!
So, if you don't love God and you don't love each other… That's the key, you've got to love each other in spite of everything, meaning that you cannot have your love toward your wife or toward your husband conditional. That is, 'I will love you IF…' You're already dead in the water because you're setting a condition. Maybe you're setting an impossible condition because you either don't want to love your wife or love your husband.
Look at the Church. How many divorces have taken place? Why? Because they brought in the world! Whenever you bring the world into the Church—whether it be theologically or in marriage or in childrearing—you're going to destroy it, one way or the other.
Ephesians 5:1: "Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children… [that doesn't mean to imitate God and exercise wrath] …and walk in love, even as Christ also loved us, and gave Himself for us as an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling savor" (vs 1-2). Then it says all the things that we are not to do!
It tells us we are to follow the "…fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and Truth" (v 9).
Verse 21: "Submit yourselves to one another in the fear of God."
What does that mean? Husbands submit to wives? NO! It means that you agree on things together and that you confer with one another on those things that are mutually done.
Even within the Church here. We're all subject to one another. In setting things up, Jim and Phyllis did an excellent job and put forth the best that they could. We submit to it. He says, 'Fred, we're going to meet in this meeting hall.' Fine! I submit to him on that because he made the arrangements. We come here and we have a potluck and we all submit one to another. We get out of the women's way when they want to do the work in the kitchen and put the meal out. We eat it and all that sort of thing. That's all submitting one to another.
With a hierarchy that's awfully hard to figure out. In your home, if I come into your home, I'm subject to your home. That's your home. That's what all of that means. I'm not going to come into your home and try and do something contrary to what you do, because it's your home.
Verse 25: "Husbands, love your own wives…" That's what's so very important, to love your wife. When you get the marriage ceremony, go over it:
- in sickness and in health
- in want or in wealth
- till death do you part
Now, let's understand something concerning the marriage covenant, which very few people really grasp: When you are married and you covenant with God—husband and wife together in the presence of God—you have made a covenant with God!Did you realize that? You just didn't legally agree to live with each other called marriage. You made a covenant with God, and a covenant is unto death! That's why it's 'until death do you part.'
The only grounds for loosing a marriage is when there is sexual infidelity, because the purpose of marriage is to become one flesh physically and spiritually. That breaks the covenant.
Verse 25: "Husbands, love your own wives…"
- To what degree?
- How do you do it?
- Only if she's a good cook?
- Only if she's a good housekeeper?
- Only if she goes out and gets a job and makes extra money?
- Only if she takes care of your good car and doesn't ding in the fenders?
- Only if she fixes your favorite food, which she may have an allergy to?
- What?
"…in the same way that Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it" (v 25). The husband as the head is to be the one:
- to provide
- to work
- to love
- to oversee
- to guide the household
- to love his wife
- to honor her
It takes a lot of work, a lot of effort, to be a husband who properly provides for his wife and his family!
It's far more difficult kind of work than women, in some cases, realize. I have yet to see any woman anywhere—though she may be smarter than some men, and some are—to be able to hold up under the rigors of work as a man as been designed to do. They tried it in New Guinea. Have you ever seen some of those documentaries of New Guinea? The men sit around and smoke drugs and send the women out to the fields to work the potato patch and take care of the hogs. It's a miserable, wretched society. Everybody is unhappy. They are so far away from Christ that's it's unreal.
It's a job! It is work! A man will not necessarily express the emotions the same way a woman will, and he won't, so don't expect him to. God make him that way. It just the way it is! Sometimes he'll keep a lot of things inside and won't say a lot of things because he's mulling over a lot of difficult decisions and things that he's either working on at work, or having in mind for the family, or things that he's going to do, wants to do, or desires to do.
In loving his wife, he's got to put forth a great effort, just like you say you have to put forth a great effort to submit to him. But if you love your wives and if you love your husbands—and loving God together—that's the best foundation that it's going to be.
Verse 26: "So that He might sanctify it, having cleansed it with the washing of water by the Word."
To provide everything for that will be nice, lovely, good; to give her the means to do the things that she needs to do for the house and for being that part of the one that you are becoming.
Verse 27: "That He might present it to Himself as the glorious Church, not having spot or wrinkle, or any such thing…"
That's spiritually speaking. I wish that we all could have no spots or wrinkles, but that's just the way it goes. We get spots and wrinkles and gray hair—all of these things that come along.
"…but that it might be Holy and without blame. In the same way, husbands are duty-bound… [under obligation] …to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself… [because the two shall become one. That's important to really understand] …for no man has ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord does the Church. For we are members of His body—of His flesh and of His bones" (vs 27-30).
The first time I came to understand that, I said: How can we be a part of the spiritual body of Christ through His bones? I understand His flesh, because He gave His body as a sacrifice! But what do you mean bones? Finally, it dawned on me. That goes clear back to the creation of Eve who was created from a bone or a rib from Adam. The woman was created from the innermost part of man, right close to his heart, because that's where she should be. Likewise, Christ did the same thing. He is creating the Church from the innermost part of His being.
- Are we not called The Body of Christ? Yes!
- Are we not called The Bride of Christ? Yes!
Verse 31: "For this reason shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and the two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery; but I am speaking in respect to Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let each one of you love his wife even as himself; and let each wife see that she reverence her husband" (vs 31-33).
I've heard women in the Church say, 'I don't know about this reverence bit.' We'll explain that when we get there.
Let's look at some things that are very important, which a man has to look to in building the house. Let's look at some of the responsibilities that a man has.
Psalm 127:1: "Unless the LORD builds the house…" That has to do with your marriage, because when you're married then you build a house. You buy one or whatever it is, and what you're doing with your lives, you're building it. You need to build the house of your marriage God's way! It will work! No doubt about it.
Just because maybe your parents failed. Or maybe you've seen some in the Church that never had the knowledge that you have in loving God and loving each other, to build a marriage. They're not successful. Don't worry, there's still hope for them. They could still come to understand. A person can change in heart, mind and attitude anytime they really repent to God. That can happen. So, don't let anything build up in you as anger for a man, or hostility as a man, or bitterness as a woman. And women tend to be more bitter and keep things in the back of their mind a whole lot longer.
What is that going to do? All that's going to do is sour your attitude and destroy your relationship! You want God to forgive you through Christ! Well then, you do the same likewise with your husbands, your wives, your children. If it involves your mother and father, then that too, that's all part of it.
"…they labor in vain who build it; unless the LORD keeps the city, the watchman stays awake in vain…. [Doesn't this sound like the way the world is today? The rat-race so many people live in?] …It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late… [to drive on the freeway, go to work and do all these things] …to eat the bread of toil…" (vs 1-2).
Why can't we have some happy marriages? Happiness is also going to have some disappointment. We can! We need to do it God's way, it'll happen that way.
In building the house, what you need to do is this: I remember an evangelist bragged that when he got married, on his wedding night that he took his wife in the bedroom and he took off his trousers and threw them down on the floor and said, 'Now, I am the head of the house and if you can wear them, put them on.' What a wonderful, loving way to start a marriage! The worst thing in the world.
There's also a noted evangelist who bragged about 'spanking' his wife. That's not God's way! You won't read in the Proverbs anywhere that when your wife is upset that 'thou shalt spank her.' All that is just a distorted fixation on power! To be a husband and head of the family is not a power position. It is a leadership position by creation.
- to serve
- to build
- to love
- to become one
That takes a lot of work!
1-Peter 3:7: "Likewise, you husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge, as with a weaker vessel…"
I'll just have to say this: Those who need anointings run about 7-3 out of 10 women. Women are the 'weaker vessel.' When you're young you may not think so, but you still are. Does that mean that all men are strong? No, there are some weak men, too! There are some strong women, too. If you, as a woman, have not yet married, and you have strong personality, don't marry someone who is going to be 'milktoast Joe.' It won't work! If you marry him, you're bound for life. Then you have to make it work under a handicap. That's why you pray and ask God to provide you with the right husband and with the right wife so that it can be blessed of God.
"…giving them honor as women, andas joint heirs of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be cut off" (v 7).
If you're going to have family strife—husband and wife competition and fighting all of the time, guess what? Don't count on very many prayers being answered. Doesn't it say, 'they will be hindered.'
Let's see some things that a man has to do. Let's come to the Proverbs, because men have to apply themselves as well as women. We'll see that women have to apply themselves, too. Man being the head of the house and provider, when I married Rachelle and Chad, I told him, 'I'm going to tell you when to say I do. When I go through 'you're going to love her, honor her, to cleave to her, to cherish her, when I say provide for her you say I do.' I said I will blink and my eyes will come up $ signs.
To be a husband and a father and the head of a house—and head of the house should be rulership with love, kindness, consideration and all of that—here's what it is:
Proverbs 10:16: "The labor of the righteous tends to life…" The reason that he does, understand that men are work oriented! God made them that way. That's why they get into careers. Sometimes if they have to change careers later on, support them! Sometimes they do. In all the things that we have gone through, if Delores didn't love me and support me we would have never made it. I don't mean support me in the sense of going to work, but support what has to happen because you love him. That's important because it is labor.
Verse 29: "The way of the LORD is strength to the upright…" That's what needs to be done to have your marriage strong, but you have to do it the way of the Lord!
"…but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity" (v 29).You can apply that right to a marriage. You bring sin into the marriage by
- not having the right kind of marriage
- not being the right kind of husband
- not providing the best that you can
If your husband is providing what he can, don't browbeat him. Encourage him. I tell you one thing that is so, so very important: Men, though they like to give the effect that they are strong, that they don't have too much emotion, they do need encouragement from their wives.
Proverbs 12:24: "The hand of the diligent shall bear rule…" A husband in doing what he's doing he has to be diligent in it! Any man who loves his family, loves his wife doesn't have to be told to get up and go to work, because he's always thinking about that. He'll get up and go to work, because he wants to provide, he wants to do.
"…but the lazy shall be under tribute" (v 24).
If your husband is a lazy slough, then you're always going to have difficulty, and you will never get some of the things that you want. I'll tell you this, all the brow beating in the world isn't going to make him work harder. So men, in your responsibility as head of the house and to do that, you must set your goals:
- to work
- to improve yourself
- to build your career
- to be the best that you can be in the things that you're doing
- being the husband in the way that you can be
In loving your wife, be diligent in it! God will bless you!
Verse 27: "The lazy man does not roast what he took in hunting… [in other words, the sloughful man is always looking for a handout] …but the substance of a diligent man is precious."
There are people who, through a period of time in their life, because they work, because they're diligent, because they apply themselves—husband and wife working together—that they're able to build their own families, they're able to increase in their personal possessions and things like this.
If you get personal possessions don't set your heart on them. Enjoy them while you have them. Take care of them while you have them. Use them to the betterment of the family and everything. "…but the substance of a diligent man is precious." All of these things have to do with the work of the man.
Proverbs 11:23: "The desire of the righteous is only good…" That's what you want with your family!
That's what every husband wants. He's going to have failures, defeats, setbacks, trials. You think you have trials at home with the children, try his boss. Turn it around the other way. That's true, too.
And for the sake of providing for the family, maybe the father has to do something that he may be good at it, but he might not be the kind of expert that he would really want to be—and he really wants to be—but because of certain things he can't be. Well, he needs your encouragement and support in that so he can grow and increase in his abilities through life. That's all a part of building the house, the family.
You can tear it down to many other things. Read all of the Proverbs concerning the sloughful, the lazy, the indolent. You can see that in families where the husband is sloughful and lazy and indolent or just doesn't care. I'm talking about beyond being discouraged because of something that comes along. I'm talking about those who are just neglectful and have no sense of responsibility. Everything deteriorates and falls apart.
I don't know of any case of that here, but I'm just saying that in general. In marrying, make sure that you know the one you're going to marry first before you marry them, because you know once you marry that's it!
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Things that will destroy a family and a home: pride! A man who has so much pride that he won't listen to anything; and your wife can be a good counselor, can help you with a lot. The hardest thing for a man to say is, 'Honey, you're right.' Just understand that. If you say something to your husband and he doesn't say anything, and he's kind of thinking about this, he's received it, back off! He's received it and will do something about it.
A man has a lot of hard work to do and to be a husband is harder than being a wife from a man's point of view, and being a wife is harder than being a husband from a woman's point of view, which means that you both had tough jobs. Don't get in and do any comparing.
Let's say some things about the women. Now is your turn. If you've been having difficulties with husband and wife in being able to accomplish these things, what you need to do is have an aunt or an uncle, or whomever, baby sit the kids for a day and you plan the day and both of you sit down and talk about it without getting mad. Make an agreement first before you sit down and talk about it that 'I won't get mad and I won't get frustrated and I won't get up and walk out. Let's talk about it.'
Because: a woman is able to achieve a whole lot more by submitting to her husband than she is by browbeating him. That's just a fact. If you're loving, kind and submissive your husband is just going to fall all over himself to please you. Isn't that what you want? Yes! Don't try and take control. Help him with the family. You are to be a help: suitable, compatible.
Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as to the Lord."
One thing for sure, you're not going to argue against Christ! That doesn't mean that you become a non-person. Please understand, your husband has to submit to his boss. Does he not have to submit? Yes, he does! So, God is not asking you to do something that your husband does not do.
Even if he has his own business, what does he have to do? He has to submit to his customers! If he doesn't he won't have a business! You try running a restaurant and you send out any ole kind of eggs for breakfast that a person orders—burned, hard, runny or soft or raw—and the customer is going to say, 'I'm never coming back here again.' So, men are also in subjection.
I think somehow women tend to think that men don't have to submit to anything. Yes, they do! "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord," because the Lord has made him responsible. He is the head by creation. You, entering into marriage have entered into a created relationship that God has created.
We have found that this principle is true within what we've been doing with the Christian Biblical Church of God: How many wives and husbands have been offended because of the Church? They can see things in the Church that maybe you couldn't see!
We have seen when the husband and wife who have been in the Church begin to understand about the love of God and the grace of God and really begin to apply that in their lives, that lo and behold we've had a lot of baptisms of formerly unconverted husbands and unconverted wives. This principle here in 1-Peter 3 works.
1-Peter 3:1: "Likewise, you wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if any are not obedient to the Word, through the behavior of the wives they may be gained without a word"—not preaching to them. Because a man will just fall all over himself to please his wife if she's willing, kind, not picking at him, nagging at him and all of these things.
Here's another thing in marriage that's important to do; not only in having communication, but there are times when it's very difficult to really get the point across, or maybe there's an antagonism. This will take place on the job or at home or in the family, and it is this: You pray and ask God to put it in the mind of the person the correct and proper thing that needs to be done, so when they come to the knowledge of it themselves—because God has answered that prayer, which He will—then it comes from within them rather than badgered by the husband from without, or henpecked by the wife from without. It comes from within and then it is from the heart. That works a whole lot better.
That's why husbands and wives should pray together. Don't use prayer to beat each other up. 'O God, make my wife submissive.' And there she is, 'I've been trying so hard.' 'God, make my husband love me.' Why are you so unloving? Use prayer as a time together to ask God to help you grow together in love! That's very important. That's the only way the marriage is going to work.
You're always going to have stress that will come along; it'll be there. You're always going to have trials, which will come along—they'll be there. You're always going to have your ups and your downs—they will always be there. But you have to live through this and love each other through thick and thin. Let it be, wives, by the conduct.
Verse 2: "Having witnessed your chaste behavior carried out with reverence; whose adorning, let it not be the external adornment of braiding the hair, or wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in costly clothing" (vs 2-3).
There are some women who are so worried about their looks that they lose their personality. Don't do that. Your personality is of very primary importance. Some women get so vain that they almost go into hysterics when at 30 they see the first little lines up in the corner of their eyes. If you have a loving heart it doesn't matter if you have wrinkles all over your face and you're 90-years-old.
Love is what is important! You can take the most beautiful woman in the world and she can be the snippiest, snitiest thing in the world. You can take the most handsome man and he can be the most obnoxious, most proud, fist-bashing kind of person that you would ever want. Let it be from the heart, from both sides.
Verse 4: "But let your adornment be the inward person of the heart, manifested in the incorruptible jewel of a meek and quiet spirit, which is of great value in God's sight. For in this way also the Holy women of the past who hoped in God adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands; even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord; and you are her children, if you are doing what is right, and are not frightened by any intimidation" (vs 4-6).
You're not to be intimidated. This is not asking you to become a non-person. This is asking you to become a complete woman in Christ. That's what's important.
Let's talk about some accomplishments that a woman can do. God does not expect you to be mindless, brainless, submissive do-dos with no backbone, no spine or no brain. That's what the women's lib make everything out to be for a woman who submits to her husband. 'There ain't any man going to tell me what to do.' Well, the Lord was a man and He's going to tell us what to do.
Notice the ability, and God praises this. Can a woman own her own business? Sure! In her own business does he have charge over if there are any men working for her? Of course, she does! Nothing wrong with that. There are some women who have great abilities, and as long as they have taken care of their children… I would basically say this: Do not neglect your children for the sake of a career, because your career is going to kill you in the end and your children will hate you for it. Think about that before you do it. No career is worth any giving up or destroying any child. But you can have careers.
Proverbs 31:10: "Who can find a virtuous woman? For her value is far above rubies. The heart of her husband trusts safely in her…" (vs 10-11)--because they love each other and they are bound together in this marriage estate! He can trust in her to do whatever she needs to do.
"…so that he shall have no lack of gain" (v 11). In other words, she's going to properly take care of the house and everything that is done!
Verse 12: "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life…. [that is a true Godly woman and she'll work] …She seeks wool and flax…" (vs 12-13).
That's why women love to shop; they love to shop! My saying is, go shop! Do well! My wife can find bargains that are unreal. She can come home with $100 items that she's had her eye on for days and weeks and it finally gets down to about $12, and she buys it. I don't have the patience, nor do I go around and look at all these little tags. But she does. When we have tough times, she provided clothes for the children, and she bought I would say we paid for an equivalent of a thousand dollars worth of clothing and things like that for maybe $200. Which we had to, because we were strapped!
"…and works willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she brings her food from afar. She also rises while it is still night, and gives food to her household, and a portion to her young maidens. She considers a field and buys it…" (vs 13-16).
- that takes brains
- it takes understanding
- it takes ability
That's why when God says 'submit to your husband' He's not asking you give up your personality, He's asking you to find it. Just the opposite to the way the world thinks. I'd like my wife to go out and buy me a field and make a profit on it. I'd tell her, 'Go buy!'
"…with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She binds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong" (v 16). She's not a little weak whippersnapper that is incapable of doing nothing!
Verse 17: "She sees that her merchandise is good; her lamp does not go out by night…. [she's up early and stays up late] …She lays her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She stretches out her hand to the poor; yea, she reaches forth her hands to the needy" (vs 17-20). She concerned with others!
Look at all these activities! This is a woman that is so submissive to her husband that her husband trusts her in everything. What that does, that brings you freedom! Whereas, the other brings you rebellion.
Verse 21: "She is not afraid of the snow for her household for all her household are clothed with scarlet."
She takes care of them. She provides for the winter, makes sure that the socks are there, the underwear is there and all that sort of thing. You don't want to have long-johns in the drawer in the summer, and you don't want to have summer briefs in the drawer in the winter. She takes care of that.
Verse 22: "She makes herself coverings; her clothing is silk and purple." That's pretty expensive stuff! Here's a woman with ability. This shows that God is not trying to put women down, but she's still is in submission to her husband. Yes, she is!
Verse 23: "Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes fine linen and sells it, and delivers girdles to the merchants. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom…" (vs 23-26).
- she's educated
- she's trained herself
- she understands what she is doing
The picture that the femi-nazis picture, or the over-lord religionists picture of women is just completely wrong. Too many of us have been influenced by that, both men and women. Too many men have given into their wives because they don't want to be over-bearing, and too many wives have been over-bearing and picky and bitter against their husbands, because they have been affected by the world and don't understand the real love of God that they need in their marriage to do it.
Verse 26: "She opens her mouth with wisdom in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her… [because she does all these things and has ability, yet, in submission to him] …'Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all'" (vs 26-29).
So, when your wife does good—just like you want a good word; just like you want your wife to say, 'Honey, that was a good job, I appreciate it'—you do the same to your wife. She's worked just as hard as you, and worked her fingers to the bone to provide and do the things and make the meals, take care of the home or whatever it may be. In this way then you become one. This way then the two become one instead of having a partnership where you're always fighting, and you're always trying to move that 50-yard line. Become one!
Verse 30: "Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates" (vs 30-31).
That's really talking about a woman of great ability and great intelligence and things like this. That's why go ahead and improve your knowledge and understanding on how to be a wife, how to be a mother, how to cook good nutritious meals at home.
I guarantee you one thing, with your children, if you stay home and take care of the children and you learn to do all things in a very economic way, about the only amount that you would make if you deserted your children and went out to have a job would be about $2/hr.; because you have to pay for the babysitter. You don't have the time to cook the food so you have to go buy it cooked, because you don't have the time at home and do it. You don't have the time to go shopping and all of those things. All of those women who are out there striving and working and killing themselves, exhausting themselves with jobs, trying to have a family and children and palm them off to daycare centers, it just doesn't work. If you apply this kind of thing to it, then you will see that it works wonderfully, and God's way is good. He does expect you to have ability.
Let's look at some other things concerning women here in Proverbs 9:13: "A foolish woman is clamorous; she is simple and knows nothing."
God doesn't want women to be that way. Yet, the femi-nazis say that if you submit to your husband that's the way you'll become. That's not true!
Verse 14: "And she sits at the door of her house, on a seat in the high places of the city." Then it goes on to say how she handles her life and so forth!
Proverbs 11:16: "A gracious woman keeps honor…" That's something!
Think of that! Wouldn't it be fine if every time company came into the house your husband says, 'Boy, I've got the greatest wife in the world, look at what she has done.' How good would you feel about that? You would because you love each other.
Verse 22: "Like a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a beautiful woman who is without discretion."
You have to have manners and all of that. You've seen those. Those are the kind that meet their husbands at the door with a rolling pin! They have no discretion. Instead of being wives they go around the house as if their M-16 tanks, and just destroy everything in the path.
Proverbs 12:4: "A woman of virtue is a crown to her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones." He's going to eat his heart out because of it. He has feelings!
Proverbs 14:1: "Every wise woman builds her house…" You learn to do things and you learn to make-do with what you have and it's amazing! I'm amazed what my wife can do with things. She just does a fantastic job with them.
She still has her faults. I have my faults. And every once in a while we have a collision with it. It'll happen! But 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath' (Eph. 4). If you have a fight, which you'll have… You get married and everything is perfect and wonderful and love, love, love and everything is great, great, great! Then lo and behold, somewhere down the road something happens and you have a fight. You wonder, 'My, how did that happen?'
It happened because you're still carnal and you made a mistake. It's not the end of the earth. Your marriage is not dissolved. God has not disappeared. You just have some things to overcome, that's all. So, 'don't let the sun go down on your wrath' and sit there and let it boil and stew and ruin your sleep, toss and turn and you wake up the next morning both of you—more grouchy for the husband and the wife more snitty than before—go through another day of it.
Do you love strife and turmoil? Why have two days of a fight, or three days, or a month? Or slam doors and all this sort of thing. People go through that. You know what I'm talking about. I know I'm not talking to perfect people. God calls the weak. In that I'm not trying to put you down, please understand. I'm just saying that when these things occur then have some understanding. If they don't occur and you have a good loving relationship: Tell us! Give us the information! We need it!
Proverbs 18:22: "Whoever finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." That's for the wife and that's for the husband—works both ways! You're working together with it.
Let me tell you something about being snitty, Proverbs 21:9: "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than to share a house with a quarrelsome woman"—in a wide house! There's another one that says 'the continual drippings of a wife….'
You get the feeling like the raindrop that's coming down the drain and goes Plink! Plink! Plink! And your nerves become frayed! Don't do that! Spare yourself the bitter attitude from having to do it, and spare your husband the grief of having to put up with it. In either case it accomplishes nothing—does it? If you want him to love you and be kind to you then you return and reciprocate in the same way.
Let's come to something which is a physical thing, and it can be remedied over a very short period of time. Paul brought out many of these things. They've had the same problems in marriage beginning with the difficulties that Adam and Eve had. All the good things that you go through, all of the difficult things that you go through, everyone else somewhere sometime has experienced it. They did back in the Church at Corinth. Paul is bringing the things out as they really are. He's upholding the Word of God and he says:
1-Corinthians 11:1: "Be imitators of me, exactly as I also am of Christ. Now I praise you, brethren, because you have remembered me in all things, and you are keeping the ordinances in the way that I delivered them to you. But I want you to understand that the Head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the Head of Christ is God" (vs 1-3).
That's the way God has placed it. As we have shown, that is not a hierarchy. When we have a marriage, it is a created relationship. When we are called into the Church, it is a spiritual created relationship between God the Father, Jesus Christ and the individual that God has called, based on the love of God.
Verse 4: "Every man who has a covering on his head when he is praying or prophesying…"
Inspired speaking in most cases. In some minority of cases it means prophesying of events to take place.
"…puts his Head to shame. But every woman who has her head uncovered when she is praying or prophesying puts her head…" (vs 4-5)—her husband!
When does a woman pray and when does she prophesy? I've searched the Bible and the only place that I can find that women in a community setting—like a church assembly is praying or prophesying when she is singing: such as Deborah, such as Samuel's mother, such as Miriam, sister of Moses. Never are they in the pulpit preaching! Paul said that he does not allow a woman to teach or usurp authority over the man. That has to do with the affairs of the Church and teaching.
"…to shame, for it is the same as being shaved. For if a woman is not covered, let her be shorn. But if it be shameful for a woman to be shorn or shaved, let her be covered" (vs 5-6).
Today that is a style that is coming in, women who shave their heads. I got on the plane to go to Denton for the marriage and there was a woman who was a stewardess and she must have been in her 50s—now they keep them so they can retire—and she had a crew-cut; I kid you not, she had a crew-cut. I almost fell over my briefcase. I couldn't believe it. Then I began watching some of the styles and difficulties that women have, and the hairstyles that they have, and it is becoming a style to have really short, short hair! Just coming up here on the trip I just kind of took a survey—six out of ten women had short hair. A lot of them were the older women, cut real short. There's a saving grace:
- it is not a sin unto death
- it'll grow
You can blame your hairdresser. Your hairdresser has sabotaged your hair. But if you truly want to do the will of God, this is the one little one that a lot of women overlook. Please understand, I'm not going around and picking on women, and I'm not measuring hair lengths. If you can't figure out what is long enough for you, then I can't help you. If it looks too short, chances are it is. If on a man it looks too long, chances are it is.
Verse 7: "For, on the one hand, a man ought not to cover his head…" Long hair, and there are more and more men with long hair! I thought we got rid of that when we finally got rid of the hippies. Now it's all coming back again and they're all becoming hippies again.
"…since he is the image and glory of God; but, on the other hand, the woman is the glory of man. For the man is not of the woman, but the woman is of the man. And also, the man was not created for the sake ofthewoman, but the woman for the sake of the man. For this reason, it is necessary for the woman to have a sign of being under authority on her head because of the angels" (vs 7-10)—the power of the blessing of God.
Verse 11: "Nevertheless, neither is the man separate from the woman, nor the woman separate from the man in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, so also the man is by the woman…" (vs 11-12)--because all men from Adam on were born from their mothers! He's making sure he's not putting down anybody, but just clarifying the point here.
"…but all things are of God. You judge for yourselves. Is it becoming for a woman to pray to God uncovered?" (vs 12-13). And that means that she is to have hair sufficiently long enough to cover her!
Verse 14: "Or does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a shame to him?" Conversely if a woman has short hair it is a shame unto her! It is not a gross sin, but it is one of those things that:
- Do you want to do the things that please God?
- Do you want to do the will of God?
- Do you esteem all of the precepts of God to be correct and right altogether?
If you do, you shall have no hang-up with it!
I have noticed this for quite a while and haven't said anything, but in seeing the style coming out, we'll just say that all of the hairdressers for the women are sabotaging your hair; let it grow if it's short.
Verse 15: "But if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her; because the long hair has been given to her instead of a veil to cover her head."
We see that with this the hair for a woman is to be long. God wants a distinction between men and women. When the distinction of the sexes is missing, then you are subtly setting the groundwork for those things that will bring an unequal equality.
What do I mean by that? How can you have an unequal equality? You are giving the message that men and women are equal and you create an unequal society by doing that! You also teach children to be accepting—somewhere in the generation down the line as it is evolved—of homosexuality—such as we have today. It's very important that men and women follow those things and do those things, because it is pleasing to God!
Ephesians 4:22: "That concerning your former conduct, you put off the old man, which is corrupt according to deceitful lusts; and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind; and that you put on the new man, which according to God is created in righteousness and Holiness of the Truth" (vs 22-24). Then he gives all of these admonitions:
- don't lie to each other (v 25)
- don't be angry with each other and hold your anger and sin; don't let the sun go down on your wrath (v 26)
- no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, do that which is good (v 29)
Men are guilty of that quite extensively. I know some that need to clean up their communication!
- grieve not the Holy Spirit of God (v 30)
If we're doing things contrary to God, we're grieving the Holy Spirit!
Verse 31: "Let all bitterness, and indignation, and wrath, and clamor, and evil speaking be removed from you, together with all malice; and be kind and tenderhearted toward one another, forgiving one another, even as God has also in Christ forgiven you" (vs 31-32). That's how to run your marriages.
These are the overall principles. You have fill in all the details. Husbands and wives, you need to just sit down and say, 'Ok, let's bite the bullet and sit down and have a good loving session. Let's not be beating up on each other. Let's not accuse each other. Let's not bring up things of the past.' If you do this, I'll do this! If you do that, I'll do this! No!
- love each other
- submit to each other
- submit to God
Let's see why that's so important. I'll tell you what, this will make childrearing a whole lot easier, too. Your children know when you have strife and contention. Your children know when there's not the love that ought to be there. It does affect them! It will affect their attitudes. Sometimes, if it continues while they're growing up, when they leave home they are going to have an unbalanced concept of what marriage should be. Then they have a problem to overcome, which has been caused because of the strain in the family relations.
1-John 4:16: "And we have known and have believed the love that God has toward us. God is love, and the one who dwells in love is dwelling in God, and God in him."
Try and make your marriages have more of the love of God by you growing in the love of God: for the husband in loving your wife; for the wife in loving your husband; mothers and fathers to the children; the children to the mothers and the fathers.
Verse 17: "By this spiritual indwelling, the love of God is perfected within us…"
It is something you have to work at your whole life. The way that it's made perfect is that you go through disappointments and you learn, grow and overcome. Those things can be taken care of that way and overcome with love.
Verse 18: "There is no fear in the love of God…" You don't need to have a hard, heavy hand in being overbearing toward your wife and your family. You create fear and intimidation and that is not love.
"…rather, perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment. And the one who fears has not been made perfect in the love of God. We love Him because He loved us first. If anyone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother… [or his wife or her husband or her children or his children] …he is a liar. For if he does not love his brother… [or his wife, husband, children] …whom he has seen, how is he able to love God Whom he has not seen?" (vs 18-20).
So, what we need to do to overcome the problems that we have in marriage is to let the love of God be that cornerstone of everything that we build on!
Scriptures from The Holy Bible in Its Original Order, A Faithful Version
Scriptural References:
- Genesis 2:7
- Genesis 1:26-28
- Genesis 2:20-24
- Matthew 7:21
- Psalm 119:124-128
- Ephesians 5:1-2, 9, 21-33
- Psalm 127:1-2
- 1 Peter 3:7
- Proverbs 10:16, 29
- Proverbs 12:24, 27
- Proverbs 11:23
- Ephesians 5:22
- 1 Peter 3:1-6
- Proverbs 31:10-31
- Proverbs 9:13-14
- Proverbs 11:16, 22
- Proverbs 12:4
- Proverbs 14:1
- Proverbs 18:22
- Proverbs 21:9
- 1 Corinthians 11:1-15
- Ephesians 4:22-24, 31-32
- John 4:16-20
Scriptures referenced, not quoted:
- Genesis 2:20
- Mark 10
- Ephesians 4:25-26, 29-30
FRC:bo
Transcribed: 7-27-11
Reformatted/Corrected: 4/2020
